A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
Our beloved Chicago Cubs jokes
"There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help."
- Bill Buckner
"The Cubs were taking batting practice and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter."
- Radio deejay
"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets."
- Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman
"Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning."
- Radio deejay
"The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street - a lot of singles, but no action."
- Joe Garagiola
"The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs win."
- pianist George Shearing
"Did you know the Cubs don't have a home page?
They can't put three 'w's together."
- Anonymous